So, you’ve found yourself surrounded by football fever - again. And this time it’s not just any match. England’s Lionesses, the reigning European champions, are roaring back into the UEFA Women’s EURO semi-finals tonight, facing off against Italy. It’s patriotic. It’s passionate. It’s loud. And if your heart beats only for curtain calls, killer choreography and hair-raising numbers, you may be feeling a bit… out of your depth.
But fear not, we have the official guide to pretending you love football, while you’re secretly dreaming of the West End.
The stage is set
Imagine the match like Evita at the London Palladium - spectacle, politics, emotion, and controversy. Let’s be clear: the England v Italy semi-final isn’t like opening night (there have been a number of thrilling performances before this one, nobody’s here for polite applause and easy standing o’s). No, this is one of those events where everyone’s a critic. Armchair referees, shirt-clad superfans, and your cousin who suddenly thinks she could coach (read: direct) the national team better than Sarina Wiegman (spoiler: she couldn’t).
Still, there's something wildly theatrical about it all: the anticipation, the momentum shifts, the unpredictability of a last-minute twist. Think Ghost Stories or Wicked, just when you think it's all wrapped up, bam, Act Two changes everything.
Following the plot
If you can't tell the difference between a free kick and a kick ball change, start simple. Pick a player and make her your main character, her actions are the narrative arc of the piece. Someone like Hannah Hampton in goal - dependable, sharp, high-stakes pressure. She’s your heroine. She’s the last line of her country’s defence. She’s Jean Valjean in gloves and a ponytail.
When you’re watching with others, nod seriously and say things like, “She’s really holding the whole thing together,” or, “This team’s chemistry rivals Satine and Christian!” No one will question you (much).
Need to express excitement but have no clue why people are screaming? Think pantomime. There’s a long British tradition of shouting without context. Channel it. You boo the baddie in Jack and the Beanstalk without needing to know his backstory, the same rules apply here. When England score, leap up like you’ve just found out you've just bagged front row tickets to The Great Gatsby and in a few moments Jamie Muscato will be just a few feet away from you.